Burn Out

This is something I wrote a few weeks ago. Let me say at the outset, that the last week or so I feel the black clouds have lifted significantly. 

I've been debating writing this post. I want as much as possible to focus on the things I've done, seen, experienced living in Iraq - not all of those are positive and I will write some of the challenges and difficulties; but I wasn't sure whether to write about my own mental well-being. Then I wrote it, which was kind of cathartic, and debated whether to publish it. I don't want people to be worried about me. I don't want to give power to emotions that I know are not true. I'm a bit embarrassed by what I've owned up to. But then I decided actually it is important to be real, without giving those emotions a foothold - a tough line to walk. So here goes......

Burn out is a term we hear a lot in our work. It's the thing that we're all supposed to take steps to avoid - the usual stuff - exercise, sleeping well, eating well, having a good support network etc etc. It's why we get enforced R&R breaks regularly that are paid for by our employers. Humanitarian work is known to be one of the most stressful jobs in the world. I went to a stress-management (anti-burn out) day a couple of years ago run by the Headington Institute and they talked about how to un-do the damage that is done to your brain through stress. An example would be that the average person in a stressful job in the UK would need to exercise for 60 minutes 3 times a week. For us, to un-do the damage, we need to do 60 minutes of exercise every single day. There were many other helpful lessons in that day around habits to nurture in order to maintain resilience. But I found it shocking to see in statistics just how stressful our jobs are measured to be - when you get on with it every day and just keep going you can easily lose sight of that.

There have been times over the last years where I have felt run down, and have acknowledged that I need to make some small changes to increase my resilience. And I've done that and bounced back. I stay in close touch with my family. I have tried to maintain close friendships with a small group of people who know me well. I have made a conscious effort to engage my creative side regularly through cooking, drawing and knitting. I've gone on days out in Iraq to make sure I see the beauty of this country. I make sure I get to the field regularly so that I don't just sit at a desk all the time.

Fast forward to the last few weeks. We have had significant changes at work over the last 4 months, and adapting to change is always exhausting. I also have the accumulated tiredness and stress of the last 3+ years. I have known for a while my leaving date, but it has become clear that there will not be someone here to take my place before I finish. I started to think about whether I should offer to extend my contract just a little more - literally just a few weeks.

And then I realised that I have cried every single day for about a month. Despite having friends around me I have suddenly felt incredibly lonely and isolated. I have not been sleeping well at all. I have out of nowhere developed heartburn, and am waking up in the night with a mouthful of stomach acid (sorry if that's TMI!). I'm not as effective at work as I was. I struggle to think of the words for things and instead start describing them - "you know that thing that you use to eat cereal with" (a spoon). I regularly question whether I am any good at my job. I get sick easily. Basically I think I'm heading towards burn out. It's quite a scary place to be in some ways. I continue to function and do my job reasonably well, but on the inside I'm sad and not happy with myself. I regularly think I don't recognise myself in terms of my thoughts, my level of sadness and emotion. This has kind of crept up on me to be honest. For a while now I've said to friends here that I need to leave and take a break from work in order to re-set myself. But this level of sadness and rollercoaster emotions has built up rapidly in the last couple of months. It has taken a lot of effort to remind myself of the truth that I am not alone and that I am not rubbish at my job.

So I think it's absolutely right that I leave Iraq in a week's time. I desperately need time to rest and re-charge. I need time when I have no responsibilities. It's hard to admit that really. When you love your job like I do, it's hard to face the fact that if you don't stop working you will end up doing damage to yourself and to those you work with in turn. But I know this is the right decision and I am looking forward to my 'unemployment time'. I'm so excited for time with family, special memories to be made with my gorgeous niblings, time to catch up properly with friends, and time to just lie on the sofa reading.