Greetings from Twic East

Well I've been in Twic East (pronounced Twich) for almost 3 weeks now. One week left. Twic East is a county in the area of Jonglei in South Sudan. It is north of Juba, but not too far north. The town I'm in is Panyagor.

From here, Tearfund is working in a large geographical area managing feeding centres treating malnourished children and pregnant/lactating mothers; working with communities on hygiene and sanitation, and providing training and materials for kitchen gardening, crop production and fishing in order to improve livelihoods.

The area is very isolated (as is most of South Sudan) - there are few roads, and in the rainy season (now) these are impacted heavily and the area becomes inaccessible. This results in a very limited local market that only stocks a limited selection of non-perishable items, and the very few things grown locally - onion and garlic; occasionally okra. It's easy to see how malnutrition has become such a problem.

Once a week a UN helicopter arrives - on Tuesday mornings, and then on Saturdays, depending on the weather, we may receive some commercial flights but these have very very poor safety records. It is normal for them to put 3 people on 2 seats for example. So for me, the UN helicopter is my life-saver - we have food put on it in Juba for me so that I can get some fresh food, we put on things like printer cartridges, cleaning materials for the house, spare parts for our vehicles etc. Living here is a lesson in planning ahead, and having to prioritise between items that are needed.

Living conditions are basic for everyone, most people are living in mud huts with grass roofs called tukels. Then there are a few concrete buildings around - mostly belonging to the government and charities. There is no running water and no electricity. In the Tearfund compound we have one concrete building which is our office plus 2 bedrooms for staff, then we have a large marquee that is our warehouse, a couple of buildings made from metal sheets which are further stores, a couple of tukels for more staff to live in when visiting, a tent as a final accommodation option, some wash rooms (concrete base, metal sheet walls), an outside kitchen and a laine block. Water is collected from a local hand pump, and electricity is provided by a generator and solar power back up. We share our house with an army of bats who live in the roof, and due to the poor condition of the building they are sharing their wee and poo with us constantly, so the whole place stinks.

When I arrived, cooking was happening on a charcoal fire, one pot at a time. I decided we could use a gas cooker, and some other basic items like additional plastic chairs and tables to act as desks, and pots and pans. So I sent two staff to the nearest large town to do the shopping as none of these items are available locally. It took them 7 hours to drive there, and then 4 days to negotiate the shopping as the items had to be brought from Juba by the shop keeper, then 7 hours to drive back. But I have never been so pleased to have a two ring gas stove in my life! They also bought a large quantity of drinking water as we have heard that sometimes you can't even buy bottled water here.

Day to day it's pretty hot and humid. The mozzies are out in force therefore and staff are regularly down with malaria as a normal part of life here. Wrestling is the equivalent of football and is a very big deal with large competitions regularly on Saturdays in the town. Status is held in cattle, and so large herds of cows are often walking past. Interestingly we have a family of hedgehogs on the compound which before now I had assumed were a cold climate animal! We have a lot of lizards/ghekos etc (one fell on my head in the latrine last week!), and a few snakes.

Twic East has grown on me over the past few weeks. I'm only here short term, and I'm glad to be coming home again soon, but I have learned a lot, and have enjoyed getting to know the team and work in a much more rural location than I am used to.

South Sudan - a brief update

Well I'm 10 days in to my time in South Sudan. I'm still in Juba, rather than in the field bases I'll be covering. This is due to a mixture of issues - getting a handover and also the infrequency of flights. You cannot get to many places in South Sudan without getting on a UN or private charter flight. It's frustrating not to be with my teams yet, but it's great to be back at work.

South Sudan is a very complex context. I was surprised before I left the UK at how many people didn't know that South Sudan is a separate country to Sudan. South Sudan gained independence from Sudan in 2011 after many years of civil war. However, things have not been peaceful since then, and at the current time part of the country is under government control and other areas are under 'in opposition' control. Things are at an unstable stalemate at the moment, with violence flaring up now and then around flash point areas. Surrounding countries are leading peace talks which do seem to hold some promise. Some parts of the country however have been very peaceful - and in these areas humanitarian and development work is able to have real impact. In the areas which remain volatile, it is difficult for organisations to have lasting impact as populations are continually moving, perpetuating the cycle of food insecurity as land is not farmed consistently. This food insecurity has led to acute malnutrition across the country, at varying levels. The country is also lacking in infrastructure, meaning that access to water and sanitation is at critical levels in many areas. (This is a very, very, very simplified version of some of the issues).

I will be covering a couple of areas for Tearfund, where the projects are nutrition for children and women who are pregnant or breast-feeding, food security and water, sanitation and hygiene. I'm excited to see on the ground what these projects look like.

I fly tomorrow (weather dependent) to a remote field base, where I will live for the next 5 weeks. It's north west of Juba, in a little settlement in the bush. It rained heavily last night here in Juba, which may hamper travel plans as if the airstrip is under water the flight will not go - I wait to hear from the team how the situation is up there today. I'm really looking forward to getting there - I'm very limited in Juba in terms of what I can achieve work-wise; especially as I have not met my teams yet. Once you have strong relationships with the team, remote working is so much easier.

3 months out

Well I've been out of Iraq for 3 months now, officially unemployed for 2.5 months. I originally said that I'd take a minimum of 3 months off work, and I'm forever grateful to the friends and colleagues who told me that should be my minimum. To those not in this work I realise that it can seem quite frivolous to intentionally take so much time off from working, but I know it's essential to do this sometimes. I have had a blast doing lots of pre-planned holidays (which I also had a blast planning whilst still working - it gave me something very tangible to look forward to). I've been on a cruise around the Med, I've had two wonderful holidays in Scotland back to back, and I'm now in the Isles of Scilly by myself for a week before heading back to mainland Cornwall for a week with family and friends. All sandwiched with dates with friends and family, lots of lovely nibling time and a long weekend camping with church.

It's been less of a blast trying to process the last 3.5 years and that is ongoing but so much easier and better than it was 6 weeks ago. I genuinely miss my crazy job, and all my wonderful teams and I'm so grateful that people have kept in touch. Chatting to people on skype and getting the latest news from my offices has been really helpful. I know that people find that weird and think I might process easier or more quickly if I wasn't being told I was missed in Iraq; but actually when you've given so much of yourself for so long it would be painful to simply shut the door on that.

I was looking in the mirror tonight and decided to take a selfie for the blog. Crazy I know. But honestly I looked at my face, and I thought 'I don't look tired'. I haven't got any make up on, I've walked through a windy evening back to my hotel so my hair is knotty, and my face is a bit sun burned. But I think I'm looking fresher than I have in a while. I've also noticed that my clothes are fitting better. I haven't done much to deserve that. I'm sleeping pretty well (haven't had nightmares for a while now), and I'm back to a normal Rach-level of digestive issues. The last remaining sign of stress is my upper back is still being a nuisance but even that is slowly but surely sorting itself out (with the aid of regular massages - poor me).

Of course the obvious question is 'what's next?'. The short answer is I still don't know. I've started to look for work and am just praying that I find the right opportunity. Maybe that will be in the UK for a while, maybe it will be another field posting. At the moment I'm not worried about finding something immediately, there's always more nibling time to be had!

P.S. If you want to see the Iraq that I lived and worked in, there was a 2-part documentary on BBC2 the last two Sundays. I've only managed to watch part 1 so far but it was outstanding and covered lots of areas of work and sightseeing from the last 3.5 years for me. It was called 'Journey in to the Danger Zone: Iraq'.

An Iraq Legacy

I started this blog as a way to kind of give a window in to life as a humanitarian and specifically in to the wonderful country of Iraq and what was happening there. Now, 4 weeks in to my 'unemployment time', the processing of the last 3.5 years has started in earnest. It's impossible to share what is happening in my head with everyone face to face, mainly as I don't even understand myself most of the time! But also because that's just not how I process information generally. I'm not worried by my emotional instability as it's a completely normal part of processing, but I thought it would help me, and those of you who are interested, if I put a few things down in a post.

I had my first 'debrief' session less than 2 weeks after landing. There were many helpful things in that session (thanks Andy & Heather!), but one of the things that I have been finding really helpful is the reminder that it takes a surprising amount of time for hormone levels to level out after living and working at the level of stress I was for the last 3.5 years. As I get hit with seemingly random tears I am reminding myself of this. As I wonder how on earth another day has passed by with me at home achieving almost nothing off my to-do list, I am remembering that this inability to get stuff done is probably because my poor body is trying to rebalance the adrenalin.

For the first couple of weeks after leaving Iraq I felt like I was on holiday. Week 3 still felt mostly like a holiday, although towards the end of it, the reality of the fact that I'm not heading back to my office started to sink in. Week 4, and I well and truly feel it. I have had some space over these 4 weeks to think a bit about what legacy 3.5 years in Iraq has left me with. I know more will come out over time, but for now here's a little list to give you an insight in to what's going on in my brain:

• I have never worked so hard in my life. I can count on my fingers the number of weekends in Iraq where I had 2 full days off. Sometimes I worked both, sometimes I only worked part of Friday or Saturday. But that lack of genuine relaxation takes it's toll.
• Working at such a high level of responsibility (the most senior jobs I've done) impacted my sleep massively. I never slept solidly through the night in Iraq, and at times of very high stress I really battled with insomnia. I imagined this would ease immediately on return to the UK but it hasn't, and is taking longer than I hoped it would!
• Iraq is the country where I got my tattoos :-) My body is literally marked forever by my time living there and I love that.
• I can now hear the difference between the sound of an out-going rocket and an in-coming rocket. Not the most useful skill for the UK. I still struggle to differentiate fireworks and gunfire sometimes though. 
• I love Middle Eastern food, especially Syrian food. 
• I worked with some of the best, most capable, kind, fun, compassionate people I've ever known. I miss the office banter and the field days terribly. The rose-tinted glasses are already on :-) 
• As a Westerner, I will never understand the complexities of the Middle East, it's history, it's conflicts, the solutions for a peaceful future. It is an intensely complicated but vibrant region.
• I do have a stress limit. Having been told for years that I have a very high capacity for stress, I did finally hit my limit and remain amazed at the way my body reacted to that. And how quickly those physical symptoms are receding again. I'm also amazed that my teams continued to tell me I didn't seem stressed - I obviously managed to hide it relatively well!
• Iraq is an incredibly beautiful country - so different to how I imagined it before I went there. Looking at photos this week, I was reminded of this again. And of just how different to the UK it is. Because it was home for me for so long, it became completely normal to me and I was no longer aware of the complete contrast with home. 
• I can't believe how much time I spent in the car. 
• For me, living in a highly militarised country has turned out to be something I need to process. It's so foreign to home, and although I'm used to it to a certain extent from other places I've lived and traveled, Iraq was a whole other level; particularly when working near the front lines of active conflict. 
• I have made some friends for life, who I'll be able to re-live the good (and the bad) times with.
• I like weather to have seasons, but I also miss the predictability of Iraq weather. Apart from the odd unexpected dust storm, you knew where you were. Since returning to England it has snowed or rained almost every day I've been here. I'm not coping very well with that. Having said that, I would never relish another Iraqi summer! 
• I learned so much in terms of my profession and career. Working at such a high level, managing staff far more qualified than me in their respective areas I accelerated my learning an incredible amount. 
• My personal faith has been shaped by my time in Iraq. You simply can't take a western Christianity to live in a conflict area in the Middle East, facing everything that brings, and have it remain the same in it's expression. I'm still working out what that really means, and I think it will take me time to understand but I need to mention it here. 

And before you ask, I still don't know what's next work-wise :-) 

Burn Out

This is something I wrote a few weeks ago. Let me say at the outset, that the last week or so I feel the black clouds have lifted significantly. 

I've been debating writing this post. I want as much as possible to focus on the things I've done, seen, experienced living in Iraq - not all of those are positive and I will write some of the challenges and difficulties; but I wasn't sure whether to write about my own mental well-being. Then I wrote it, which was kind of cathartic, and debated whether to publish it. I don't want people to be worried about me. I don't want to give power to emotions that I know are not true. I'm a bit embarrassed by what I've owned up to. But then I decided actually it is important to be real, without giving those emotions a foothold - a tough line to walk. So here goes......

Burn out is a term we hear a lot in our work. It's the thing that we're all supposed to take steps to avoid - the usual stuff - exercise, sleeping well, eating well, having a good support network etc etc. It's why we get enforced R&R breaks regularly that are paid for by our employers. Humanitarian work is known to be one of the most stressful jobs in the world. I went to a stress-management (anti-burn out) day a couple of years ago run by the Headington Institute and they talked about how to un-do the damage that is done to your brain through stress. An example would be that the average person in a stressful job in the UK would need to exercise for 60 minutes 3 times a week. For us, to un-do the damage, we need to do 60 minutes of exercise every single day. There were many other helpful lessons in that day around habits to nurture in order to maintain resilience. But I found it shocking to see in statistics just how stressful our jobs are measured to be - when you get on with it every day and just keep going you can easily lose sight of that.

There have been times over the last years where I have felt run down, and have acknowledged that I need to make some small changes to increase my resilience. And I've done that and bounced back. I stay in close touch with my family. I have tried to maintain close friendships with a small group of people who know me well. I have made a conscious effort to engage my creative side regularly through cooking, drawing and knitting. I've gone on days out in Iraq to make sure I see the beauty of this country. I make sure I get to the field regularly so that I don't just sit at a desk all the time.

Fast forward to the last few weeks. We have had significant changes at work over the last 4 months, and adapting to change is always exhausting. I also have the accumulated tiredness and stress of the last 3+ years. I have known for a while my leaving date, but it has become clear that there will not be someone here to take my place before I finish. I started to think about whether I should offer to extend my contract just a little more - literally just a few weeks.

And then I realised that I have cried every single day for about a month. Despite having friends around me I have suddenly felt incredibly lonely and isolated. I have not been sleeping well at all. I have out of nowhere developed heartburn, and am waking up in the night with a mouthful of stomach acid (sorry if that's TMI!). I'm not as effective at work as I was. I struggle to think of the words for things and instead start describing them - "you know that thing that you use to eat cereal with" (a spoon). I regularly question whether I am any good at my job. I get sick easily. Basically I think I'm heading towards burn out. It's quite a scary place to be in some ways. I continue to function and do my job reasonably well, but on the inside I'm sad and not happy with myself. I regularly think I don't recognise myself in terms of my thoughts, my level of sadness and emotion. This has kind of crept up on me to be honest. For a while now I've said to friends here that I need to leave and take a break from work in order to re-set myself. But this level of sadness and rollercoaster emotions has built up rapidly in the last couple of months. It has taken a lot of effort to remind myself of the truth that I am not alone and that I am not rubbish at my job.

So I think it's absolutely right that I leave Iraq in a week's time. I desperately need time to rest and re-charge. I need time when I have no responsibilities. It's hard to admit that really. When you love your job like I do, it's hard to face the fact that if you don't stop working you will end up doing damage to yourself and to those you work with in turn. But I know this is the right decision and I am looking forward to my 'unemployment time'. I'm so excited for time with family, special memories to be made with my gorgeous niblings, time to catch up properly with friends, and time to just lie on the sofa reading.

I bet you didn't think Iraq looked like this......

Some of my favourite photos that will make you question the media's portrayal of this beautiful country:

Twenty Top Team Moments

For this blog I thought I'd put down some of my top team moments from the last years in Iraq. For those that I've worked with - it has been a joy with a lot of laughs along the way! There have been so many highs that it's been hard to choose, but here are a few:

1. Karoake fun together in our basement in Dohuk. Somewhere I have a video of the whole team, national and expat, singing power ballads together.
2. Tofurkey. That very special delivery for Claudia to eat for her birthday/Thanksgiving. 
3. Sundowners on Zawa Mountain. Having a picnic takeaway on the top of a mountain, drinking beers as we watched the sun go down over the city, and listening to the call to prayer rise up. And then nearly wetting ourselves with laughter as we shared various crazy stories.
4. An impromptu lunch picnic in the park to cheer everyone up when they haven't been able to go to their field sites all week and are sick of the four walls of the office.
5. Team first aid drills in Dohuk - that time when Andy pretended to have collapsed for me, and everyone just walked past him and ignored him on the floor of the office. Until they decided to kick him back to life. 
6. The 2017 end of year party for the Erbil team - what a great night of games and dancing. Introducing the team to 'bring me a...' was an absolute highlight.
7. Making Pimms lollies when it was 50 degrees - best idea ever!
8. Friday Fry Ups in Dohuk with the first team - all bustling around the kitchen, and then sitting in the sun with our food, easing in to the weekend.
9. Monopoly Deal. Say no more.
10. Team bowling and seeing Khair's very unique style :-)
11. Going to weddings together. There's been a few, and they've all been a lot of fun.
12. Road trips and field visits galore. I should have logged how many hours I have spent in the car - it's insane. But it's a good way to get to know your team.
13. Various bonfire nights and pancake nights - sharing the British love.
14. Cooking up Bertie the Boar.
15. Christmas Day this year - my first Christmas away from home but we had a fantastic team day.
16. Monthly birthday celebrations - something I've done in both Tearfund and DRC.
17. Team banter, be that face to face or over skype, banter has a large part to play in why I'm still smiling 3.5 years later. 
18. The One Year Anniversary party at the Qayyarah Airstrip Camp - celebrating with the staff who have worked so hard to make the place a home for the residents was brilliant.
19. Our first overnight in Mosul. Only 3 of us, but what a moment to get to stay there for the first time!
20. Lunch time pretty much every day. A few months ago I made a deal with the staff that DRC would pay for a cook's salary if they were willing to purchase a cooked lunch. So we all get a delicious and cheap lunch every day, which we eat together in our staff room.

P.S. Just for Mariam, I will mention 'Family Time'. I know she'd want me to :-)