I had my first 'debrief' session less than 2 weeks after landing. There were many helpful things in that session (thanks Andy & Heather!), but one of the things that I have been finding really helpful is the reminder that it takes a surprising amount of time for hormone levels to level out after living and working at the level of stress I was for the last 3.5 years. As I get hit with seemingly random tears I am reminding myself of this. As I wonder how on earth another day has passed by with me at home achieving almost nothing off my to-do list, I am remembering that this inability to get stuff done is probably because my poor body is trying to rebalance the adrenalin.
For the first couple of weeks after leaving Iraq I felt like I was on holiday. Week 3 still felt mostly like a holiday, although towards the end of it, the reality of the fact that I'm not heading back to my office started to sink in. Week 4, and I well and truly feel it. I have had some space over these 4 weeks to think a bit about what legacy 3.5 years in Iraq has left me with. I know more will come out over time, but for now here's a little list to give you an insight in to what's going on in my brain:
- I have never worked so hard in my life. I can count on my fingers the number of weekends in Iraq where I had 2 full days off. Sometimes I worked both, sometimes I only worked part of Friday or Saturday. But that lack of genuine relaxation takes it's toll.
- Working at such a high level of responsibility (the most senior jobs I've done) impacted my sleep massively. I never slept solidly through the night in Iraq, and at times of very high stress I really battled with insomnia. I imagined this would ease immediately on return to the UK but it hasn't, and is taking longer than I hoped it would!
- Iraq is the country where I got my tattoos :-) My body is literally marked forever by my time living there and I love that.
- I can now hear the difference between the sound of an out-going rocket and an in-coming rocket. Not the most useful skill for the UK. I still struggle to differentiate fireworks and gunfire sometimes though.
- I love Middle Eastern food, especially Syrian food.
- I worked with some of the best, most capable, kind, fun, compassionate people I've ever known. I miss the office banter and the field days terribly. The rose-tinted glasses are already on :-)
- As a Westerner, I will never understand the complexities of the Middle East, it's history, it's conflicts, the solutions for a peaceful future. It is an intensely complicated but vibrant region.
- I do have a stress limit. Having been told for years that I have a very high capacity for stress, I did finally hit my limit and remain amazed at the way my body reacted to that. And how quickly those physical symptoms are receding again. I'm also amazed that my teams continued to tell me I didn't seem stressed - I obviously managed to hide it relatively well!
- Iraq is an incredibly beautiful country - so different to how I imagined it before I went there. Looking at photos this week, I was reminded of this again. And of just how different to the UK it is. Because it was home for me for so long, it became completely normal to me and I was no longer aware of the complete contrast with home.
- I can't believe how much time I spent in the car.
- For me, living in a highly militarised country has turned out to be something I need to process. It's so foreign to home, and although I'm used to it to a certain extent from other places I've lived and traveled, Iraq was a whole other level; particularly when working near the front lines of active conflict.
- I have made some friends for life, who I'll be able to re-live the good (and the bad) times with.
- I like weather to have seasons, but I also miss the predictability of Iraq weather. Apart from the odd unexpected dust storm, you knew where you were. Since returning to England it has snowed or rained almost every day I've been here. I'm not coping very well with that. Having said that, I would never relish another Iraqi summer!
- I learned so much in terms of my profession and career. Working at such a high level, managing staff far more qualified than me in their respective areas I accelerated my learning an incredible amount.
- My personal faith has been shaped by my time in Iraq. You simply can't take a western Christianity to live in a conflict area in the Middle East, facing everything that brings, and have it remain the same in it's expression. I'm still working out what that really means, and I think it will take me time to understand but I need to mention it here.
And before you ask, I still don't know what's next work-wise :-)
